Tag: funny first date

Very Wet Kiss

The guy begins licking me like a St. Bernard, my ears my neck, asks if I like it, and I say no. His hands are like an octopus and I begin to feel violated. Kisses me with lips inside out, not with the normal suction but with turning the inside of his lips to grab mine so they are curved outward so I feel all this slobber, not to mention the breath was horrible so the spit froze on my face after it dried and it was smelly! Then he sticks his tongue in my ear canal! Then he opens his mouth and sticks his whole tongue inside and all I can smell is that funky spit and it was so wet I had to wipe under my lips. Gracefully I moved away and took a detour to the restroom where I washed my face, neck and ears with soap and the inside of my mouth with soap, scrubbing my tongue.

First Date Fight Club

I met this guy from another site. We went to dinner. So far so good. Then he asks if I wanted to get drinks. I said sure, why not. So we go to some fight club situation. I don’t even remember where it was. He tells me to take a seat and wait here. Next thing I know he’s in the ring. He then proceeded to get his ass kicked and he got knocked out. I got up and left. So not a very good idea to schedule a boxing match and lose for a first date guys.

Got Us Both Arrested

Well, I met the most amazing man off one of those dating sites. Well what I thought was the most amazing man anyways, we went to the movies, dinner then he took me to the lake to watch the stars. Doesn’t it sound soooo romantic?? Lol, try again he paid for the movie then wanted to take me to this little Italian place that was very nice and expensive and expected me to pay!!! Said the woman should pitch in! I was so horrified I didn’t even have my wallet! They called the cops and told them we refused to pay! He put up a fight with the cops and got us both arrested! That was the worst date ever. I never called or go on anymore dating sites again!!!

The Movie Talker

The guy was late, not by much, but missed the movie (this guy is the reason why I don’t do movies on first dates anymore), so we went to a different one. No big deal, I’m pretty easy going. I notice that he doesn’t look like his pictures, and he mentions that his pics are about 5 – 7 years old. Not cool, but okay, it’s a first date, and I can suffer through 2 hours. He had invited me out that night, and though I expect to pay, it’s nice when the guy offers. However, he went up and bought his own ticket, and didn’t offer to pay for mine. Then he got snacks for himself and didn’t offer to get me anything. But, hey, I’m a modern woman, I expect to pay for myself, so…not that big of a deal. We go into the theater, and by this time, I’m not terribly impressed with this guy. When we sit down, he practically sits in my lap. He is so far over in his chair, we might as well have been sharing my chair. So, I squoosh over (squoosh is the technical term, yes) as far as I can. You’d think it couldn’t get any worse, but no. He’s a movie talker. Not just talker, but questioner. “Wow, did you see that?” “What just happened?” “What’s going on, did I miss something?” We were watching the same freaking movie. After a few grunted responses, I played deaf. The people behind me were as ticked off as I was, and kept kicking my seat, which ticked me off even more. I wasn’t the one talking, after all. So, after the longest movie in the world was over, we are walking out of the theater, and he asks me if I’d like to go out for an after-movie drink. The date ended with me telling him I had a lot of laundry to do that night.

Moral of the story – if a girl tells you she’d rather do laundry than continue a date, it didn’t go well.

Put It On His Tongue

It wasn’t a POF (Plenty Of Fish) date but it was my first date after breaking up with my fiance. Had only met him once, briefly. He was OK but I didn’t think there were any sparks. A mutual friend of ours insisted we should go out.

So we went to this nice quiet restaurant and I was really trying to get into him … had been broken up with my ex for nearly a year and was thinking the problem was me, that I compared everyone to my ex, etc. And he seemed like he was pretty into me. I was thinking maybe, yeah, maybe there could be something there …

But then he kept rolling and picking at his eyes. He said his contact lenses were dried out. One of my quirks is that I’m extremely squeamish and one of the body parts I’m MOST squeamish about are eyes. And he looked like a weirdo rolling his eyes and picking at them. But I told myself I was being too judgmental.

Then he dug one finger into his left eye and started moving the contact lens around on it. I’m thinking, “Even if I didn’t have a thing about eyes, this would probably qualify as a really uncouth thing to do at the dinner table.” I’m also thinking “If he doesn’t stop this and/or I don’t stop watching, I’m going to faint.” Because I faint easily when things freak me out.

Before I could resolve this conflict, he pulled/dragged/dug the contact lens out of his eye, put it on his tongue … and then started to put it back in his very bloodshot eye. This was apparently too much for me. I fell out of my chair in a dead faint.

Alarmed by the sight of me twitching unconscious on the floor, he apparently dropped and managed to lose his contact lens.

We never saw each other again. He told our mutual friend that he couldn’t imagine dating someone who fainted so easily.

WIN!

He’s Wearing My Dress?

A few years ago I met a man online that seemed like quite the catch. Beautiful voice, we had a nice dinner and made plans for the following weekend.

After dinner, we went back to his place…Very flirty, very attractive man, with that wonderful Virginia silk voice.

He makes us a drink and some snacks and I took off my dress and got into the hot tub with panties on, figuring he would join me..

Well, a few minutes later, he comes sashaying out and parades around the hot tub…WEARING MY DRESS! I’m 5’4, he was 6’4, so needless to say, there were things showing (for some reason, he was naked under MY DRESS), that I wasn’t comfortable seeing, sticking out of the bottom of my dress.

I got out of the hot tub and told him to take off my dress. He did, and followed me bare assed naked out the front door apologizing.

I just could not see me going out with a guy that looks better in my clothes than I do!

Three Flights Of Stairs

I meet this woman and we go out for a few drinks and a local concert. All is well and good so we go to a bar afterwards, and me not being much of a drinker and the driver held off while she pounded them down like a champ. This is where it starts getting bad… She manages to get herself so drunk that she passes out in my truck. I take her home, carry her up three flights of stairs, put her in bed and put the garbage can next to her bed in case she has to throw up during the night. Believing that leaving her alone would be a bad idea I laid down on the floor and went to sleep. The next morning I was woken up by a kick in the side, accusations of taking advantage of her, and a visit to the police station. Thankfully her neighbors saw me carrying her up the stairs the previous night and told the cops I was doing nothing more than escorting a drunk back to her apartment.

He Danced Like A Flamingo

My worst date was with a guy who seemed rather strange, but at that time (I was under 20). I was willing to give a guy a chance regardless of what my gut instinct was telling me. So we meet at a place with live music and a few people are dancing. I love to dance, so I said, hey, let’s dance. Big mistake. He resembled a flamingo, arms outstretched and lifting each knee to hip level before flinging the lower leg forward, like some automated kicking motion. He just kind of pranced around like this, in a “rhythm” that had nothing to do with the music. So, I’m thinking, ok, he’s not much of a dancer, not a huge moral failing or anything like that–but when we sit down (I was quick to say I needed a drink, so we could get off the dance floor before he hurt someone), he goes on and on about how much he loves to dance and he’s so glad to meet a girl who loves to dance, and how we could go dancing each night. He was completely uninterested in anything I had to say, asked no questions, talked about himself nonstop, and kept trying to get me to commit to joining him for dancing for the next several nights.

I could not get out of there fast enough and was so glad I had–as always–driven myself to this first date. He stalked me for a while at work so I quit the job I had (near where he lived) and made sure not to go to that part of town again. Fortunately, he was not smart enough to find me again. I learned to listen to my gut after that!

The Sniffer

Met a fella through mutual friends. He seemed rather nice and we had a good time chatting at a party. We decided we’d meet again at a really nice park with walking trails. So the day comes, we meet at the park and go for a walk. Every thing is going well but I notice he’s sniffling a lot. I ask if he was getting a cold, he said no and we carried on. *sniffle sniffle*. We come to an area with seats by the river and grab a coffee *sniffle sniffle*, sit beside each other on a bench enjoying the view. Now he’s gone from a sniffle to a full on sniff. I keep my head forward but notice he’s leaning towards me when he sniffs. So I wonder do I smell? Nope, still smell good…huh. So I’m talking about God knows what and he leans over and smells me, I mean a good sniff. Seriously? He’s trying to be sneaky about it, and I have to say something. I turn my head to ask him wtf is going on here. He takes a BIG OLD SNIFF! And says, lol, you are the best smelling thing I’ve ever smelled he says. He is forever known as the sniffer.

Drive By 1st Date

I almost had a drive by once. My date insisted that I wait outside the place for her. When I arrived early, I called her to say I was going to be at the bar and she got almost hysterical saying that I must wait outside as she didn’t want to go in alone. I thought it odd but ok. Anyway… So eventually her car drives up. She stops right in front of me, looks me up and down and then decides to park the car. She made it so obvious but I just thought it was terribly funny…